Horoscope for the Week beginning 9 November 2009

This week, you will find the backbone you never knew you had as it transforms from spaghetti into kevlar in one, fell motion. Adversaries, believing until now that they had your number, fall back, confused and, suddenly, afraid. But you don’t need to wait around for them to re-group – you are on your way, donning the brash new colours of your courage and heading straight for the moral high ground. From up there, where mere mortals fear to tread, you might see someone who looks just like you, far, far below. Squint through your telescope – it’s not you, it’s (gasp) your mortal enemy, pushing against the same stone wall you used to prop up with your daily efforts, but from the other side. You used to wear the exact same pooh-brown shoes. Even your hair looks the same coffee colour from up here. Funny – down there, all you could see was how different you were; up here, all you can see are different shades of brown.

Horoscope for week beginning 26 October 2009

Monday will find you expectant.  Without even realising it, you have been waiting, bated breath, for just this sunrise, just this lunch hour, just this, and this, and this.  But because you didn’t fully imagine it, you won’t be disappointed; instead, your expectation was more in the vein of a gentle humming, a thrumming in the back of your mind, a flutter in your belly.  By Wednesday, you will have pocketfuls of rainbows; by Thursday, your sleeves will be lined with forget-me-nots and memories of secret blushes.  Friday and you will sigh, full of soft, rainy evenings and siren sun-drenched avenues, your stomach full and your muscles floppy with energy well-spent in the conquest of happiness.

(PS – Thanks for the well wishes for the wedding. I am now, officially, Mrs Happily Ever After (double brackets – thanks jLo for the card which gave me this spot-on name!))

Horoscope for the Week beginning 14 September 2009

This week, you will find the backbone you never knew you had as it transforms from spaghetti into kevlar in one, fell motion. Adversaries, believing until now that they had your number, fall back, confused and, suddenly, afraid. But you don’t need to wait around for them to re-group – you are on your way, donning the brash new colours of your courage and heading straight for the moral high ground. From up there, where mere mortals fear to tread, you might see someone who looks just like you, far, far below. Squint through your telescope – it’s not you, it’s (gasp) your mortal enemy, pushing against the same stone wall you used to prop up with your daily efforts, but from the other side. You used to wear the exact same pooh-brown shoes. Even your hair looks the same coffee colour from up here. Funny – down there, all you could see was how different you were; up here, all you can see are different shades of brown.

Horoscope for the Week 7 September 2009

This week will take you by surprise.  Sugary lips will find yours and kiss you silly with caramel cake and chocolate buttons.  Your friends will look at you strangely, your eyes red with too much energy to burn.  It’s nothing to hide from: it’s your opportunity to tear up the park between your place and theirs with your uncaged ideas; the impossible will light up the pavement.  By Wednesday, you will have painted your mind royal green, your walls reflecting the bright new spring.  By Thursday, words will cover your clothes, reminiscent of the brilliance of the World’s first electric bulb; by Friday, you will fall into a contented heap, toes varnished with flowers, ready for summer.

Horsocope for Week Beginning 24 August 2009

A week of beginnings.  A week of close shaves with false fates.  If you walk too slowly, you’ll fall into another destiny headlong.  There may be spluttering brilliance; it’s hard to see through the smoke.  If you walk too quickly, you might trip over into the arms of a Spanish lover, whose embrace lasts long enough to create an everlasting pinch of Sehnsucht but not long enough to satisfy it.

Of course, if you run…

or perchance, sleep…

you might find your dreams spindling into gold right before your eyes – not the kind of gold you want to grasp, but the kind made of sunshine and yolks and sunflowers and buttercup curtains on a rain-spotted window.  And what a beautiful fate that would be!  So sleep, or run; but don’t busy your head with timing your paces just so, or you might miss the one thing that happens to lead to another.

Horoscope for the Week beginning 20 July 2009

And what a week it will be, well, it already is!

The sky, in its blue imitation of infinity, will shower nonsense poetry into the heads of all those of a mind to heed it.  There are some wonderful sounds to be had this week: words like gumdrop, pernickety, codswallop, and shiny, mixed with a good amount of rumble, trickster, riot and grouch.  By tomorrow, you will have ears as big as open doors, flapping to catch all the good things to hear.  By Wednedsay, this infection will have swept through your friends, causing spontaneous outbreaks of poetic proselytising and moments of pure genius buried amongst the sheer, teeming volume of words pouring out of every known orifice.  By Thursday, you will have ridden the hump of it, now with time on your hands to murmur the occasional, unbidden haiku as you side-saddle your way to Friday, when, all tuckered out, you make camp in a room empty of all words, where the tweets of birds and trees twirling in the wind remind you of the silence that belies all language and leaves you simple, sated, serene, sssh.

Horoscope for the week beginning 22 June 2009

This week you will start as dangerous as a wild cat, stalking the urban streets for your next meal.  The people you meet will look at your eyes and glance quickly away; your own reflection will stare defiantly back at you, unwilling to blink first.  But soon enough, the claws will retract and you will find yourself cuddling up in the softest of couches, all fur and purr.  What’s got into you this week, my feline friend?  It’s the days now getting longer by degrees, curling into your sub-conscious, making you crazy with the scent of the sun.  Soon, soon, it will wax around the globe, reaching your toes, then your knees, then even the tips of your fingers, outstretched to greet it.  Until then, you keep stalking, thrumming the early dark with instincts you would not allow in the light of a summer day.

Horoscope for the week beginning 8 June 2009

This week, love is in the water, grass, trees, the air you don’t hesitate to breathe. You are fleet-footed this week, running as light as light from one task to another, and that’s when you’ll feel it; the thrum, the silent, hidden buzz; that’s love, an all-consuming, all-pervasive hug that the Universe is giving you everyday.  Between coffee and lunchtime, as you stretch your limbs and water your mind, be sure to give the cosmos a squeeze back.  It needs it from you just as much as you need love from it.

Horoscope for the Week beginning 25 May 2009

You may feel like it’s a bit too soon for the week to begin, but it will begin without you if you don’t hurry into your best shoes and don a nice smile to welcome the new days, each one freshly minted from the giant day-press on the other side of the sky.  This week will find you most days with neat hair and matching sunglasses. You will naturally look just like your favourite Audrey Hepburn photo by virtue of throwing on a headscarf and dashing out the door to your next appointment.  It’s something in the weather this week; something at the mundane level about humidity straightening out your hair, and at the sublime level about you coming into your own.  Each one of you a movie star in your own right, each one a shining beacon of your own fashionista trends (inside and out).  You know you look good; how could you not, the way you feel right now?   Come on and share some of that good sweet stuff you got going on with the rest of us, throw one of those heart- bedazzler smiles our way.

Horoscope for the week starting 18 May 2009

Hello and welcome to the week ahead!  This time around, you’ll find the dimension of space-time bending in upon itself (as it is wont to do), curling around your ears and tickling your cheekbones.  Sudden memories of past days will feel as real as the one in front of your eyes: your most embarrassing moment at high school,the colour of your favourite t-shirt when you were only five, the scratch of your parents’ new couch when you really wanted them to keep the old one.  If you move your head quickly, you’ll catch time spinning even faster away from you, until you are smelling the Turkish coffee from the life you spent as a travelling salesman across the Middle East, and you’re seeing the flash of a smile as you collect coins for your street act as a circus urchin.  Isn’t it sweet!    Thanks for the accounting tips back in 1818 (I never did say but I like your hat); thanks in advance of the bakery treats (you have the molecules of deliciousness just waiting for your future self to awaken).